My First Father’s Day without My Father

This is the first Father’s Day since my own father died on March 10, 2013. In his honor and in memory of him, I thought I would post the eulogy I gave at his funeral. Sharing a little of his life seems like a fitting final Father’s Day present to him.

a photo of Margaret, Carl, and Sam Diener.

Mom, Dad, and Sam in Flint for Sam’s birthday.

A photo of Carl, Margaret, and Sam Diener over July 4th weekend 2012

Dad, Mom and Sam last July 4th weekend.

Eighteen years.

In eighteen years, God and good genetics built Carl Diener into a 6’3”, 235-pound giant of a young man. At the age of 18, he was a 9-time varsity letterman and 5-time All-State athlete, who had played in the basketball state championship and had twice won the Class A shot put championship. He had earned a full-ride football scholarship to Michigan State.

Photos of Carl Diener as a young man.

Photos of Dad as a young man. His high school friend Ron Dubay gave these to me at the funeral.

To give you an idea of just how big he was, let me tell you two stories. The first is one that our Grandpa Mark used to tell. When Mom and Dad were in high school, they were part of a group of students who would study and have discussions at the Mark house. Apparently these discussions could get quite heated. Once, Grandpa Mark was in the other room and he heard someone talking and pounding on the table. All he could think was, “I hope it’s not that Diener boy; if he starts pounding on the table he’s likely to break it in two.”

The second is one that you can find in one of the newspaper clippings we have around. The Saginaw Arthur Hill football team had their banquet in Frankenmuth after the season was over. Apparently, after the meal the boys were taking turns stepping on the scale they had in the lobby to see how much each of them weighed. When Dad stepped on the scale, it broke.

3_Carl_Diener 4_Carl_Diener

Thanks to his body and athletic ability, Dad was able to go to college, where he earned a degree in mechanical engineering. This led to his job at AC Spark Plug, where he worked for 34 years, a job that gave us a very comfortable life, and allowed my parents to send all five of their children to college.

A photo of Margaret Mark and Carl Deiner at their wedding.

Mom and Dad’s wedding photo.

Dad was in many ways defined by his body. He was big and strong in a way that was imposing on the basketball court but just fun for any kid to be around. Elissa, one of the Mark cousins who is older than Tim, told me this week that she and her siblings couldn’t wait for Dad to come up to Tawas so they could climb all over him. In elementary school when asked what her favorite plaything was, my sister Dawn wrote, “My dad.” His children loved to jump on him, and his grandchildren did the same. We didn’t need to look elsewhere for heroes; we had the biggest, strongest one to play with every day.

He loved to coach and be around young people competing in athletics. He was still scrimmaging with high school kids well into his 50s. He played with the Nomads men’s volleyball team until he was almost 60 years old.

Dad had planned to do more hiking and enjoy hunting and fishing when he retired. His hope was to hike the Appalachian Trail. I’m sure he would have hung around the Kearsley gyms and helped any coach who needed or wanted it, too. But as John Lennon said, “Life is what happens to you while you’re busy making other plans.”

Eighteen years.

Cancer is not something you catch like a cold. It grows over years inside you. When we look back, Dad started having shoulder pain about 18 years ago. It made it difficult to throw a ball. He chalked it up to pain from old sports injuries. Then one day when his grandchildren were jumping on him, they broke a rib. They probably saved his life, as this was an early red flag that something was wrong. Then Dad was helping Tim put in a new dock at the Tawas house, and he hurt his back.

The doctors finally figured out what was wrong in 1996. An electrophoresis test revealed that he had multiple myeloma, bone marrow cancer. His big, thick bones that supported so much strength were attacking themselves, the cancer literally eating holes in the bone. Now they have more effective chemotherapy for multiple myeloma, but at that time the life expectancy was 18 months to 3 years. The best hope for long-term survival was a bone marrow transplant, a brutal treatment that essentially destroys a person’s immune system then grows it back, one which many people don’t survive, and even that would likely only extend life expectancy to 3 to 5 years.

I was married to Lynelle on Saturday, October 11, 1997. The morning of my wedding while we were getting ready, my father handed me a Magic Marker and asked me to trace over the outlines of the radiation targets on his back which defined where the cancer was. Most of his back was covered. On Monday, Lynelle and I left on our honeymoon, while Dad began his bone marrow transplant. When I left, I did not know if I would ever see him alive again.

Photo of Carl Diener at Matthew Diener's wedding.

Dad at my wedding. He lost his hair the week of my wedding due to the chemo he was taking in preparation for his bone marrow transplant.

We were fortunate that Dad survived the transplant and had more than ten years free of cancer. That strong body of his, even though it was diminished by the disease, held the cancer at bay. After his transplant he was well enough to get a new dog, his last dog, an affectionate beagle name Lucky who was truly his faithful companion in his post-cancer life, giving him a daily reason for physical activity and long walks.


Dad and Sam walking Lucky at Tawas.

But as so often happens, the cancer came back. While the initial damage was mostly to the lower back, when it came back it attacked the upper spine and neck. It was so severe that there was a risk of paralysis and Dad needed steel rods inserted into his spine to keep him alive.

Dad in his halo after surgery to fuse the vertebrae in his neck.

Dad in his halo after surgery to fuse the vertebrae in his neck.

And he kept going. He went through more chemo, and his counts looked good for a while. But the battle was beginning to wear him out. This past summer, he told us he was tired. Tired of fighting. In his way, I think he was trying to prepare us for the end.

When the doctors did an MRI this last time, they found lesions on his thoracic spine, the only part that hadn’t already been severely damaged. Dad agreed to the radiation even though he was weak, and tired; even though he had lost so much strength that he didn’t have much fight left in him.

When we were in town three weeks ago to see Dad, he told me this, “My body has always done everything I asked of it, and now it won’t.” This was the final, frustrating indignity in his battle with multiple myeloma.

A photo of Sam with Grandpa and Grandma Diener two weeks before Dad's death.

Sam with Grandpa and Grandma Diener two weeks before Dad’s death.

A photo of Rowan and Ava with Grandpa and Grandma Diener two weeks before Dad's death.

Rowan and Ava with Grandpa and Grandma Diener two weeks before Dad’s death.

Lynelle and Sam and I were in church on Sunday listening to Sam sing in the Children’s Choir when Lisa called me to tell us Dad had been unresponsive during the night and that the hospice nurse was coming into to do an evaluation. She called back about an hour later to tell us that the nurse said he had a day or two left. We made the phone calls we needed to make and sent the emails we needed to send in order to leave our home in Evanston, Illinois for a week. We packed our clothes, our pictures, and anything else we could think of, and then we climbed in our van for the five hour drive to Flint.

I didn’t expect to see him alive again

The family told Dad we were on the way. We arrived at 9:15 and told him we were there and that we loved him. He took his last breath at 9:40.

He had lost more than 6 inches of height, and his emaciated body was down to 135 pounds, but he took one last opportunity to show us how strong he still was, one last time he made his body do what he wanted it to do: he waited. He waited until we were all there, all together, to let go.

It took eighteen years for Dad to mature into the physical body that defined him, and it took eighteen years for multiple myeloma, that horrible cancer, to tear it down.

As we were looking for a quote to put in Dad’s funeral booklet, we ran into this quote from Hunter S. Thompson that I think sums up the end of Dad’s life: “Life should not be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside in a cloud of smoke, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming ‘Wow! What a Ride!’”

It was a heck of a ride. It lasted longer than any of us had a right to expect, and yet we all wish it could have continued for just a little bit longer.

What you see in that pine box is a burned out husk, an empty shell of my father. He squeezed every last ounce of life out of that body, and I am proud of him for that.

And I am even prouder to say I am Carl Diener’s son.

And here are a few photos of things we were able to share with Dad after his transplant.

A photo of Carl Diener and Margaret Diener with an infant Samuel Diener.

Dad and Mom with Sam.

A photo of Carl Diener holding an infant Rowan Diener.

Dad with Rowan.

A photo of Carl Diener reading a book to Ava Diener.

Dad reading to Ava.

A photo of Carl Diener, Rowan Diener, and Dawn Jones.

Dad, Rowan, and Dawn at Mar-Ton.

A photo of Jack Willet and Carl Diener at the Surbrook Family Reunion.

Jack Willett and Dad at a Surbrook Family Reunion.

A photo of Carl and Margaret Diener with all their children.

Mom and Dad with all their children and spouses.

A photo of Carl and Margaret Diener with all their grandchildren: Jessica Diener, Tyler Diener, Isaac Diener, Samuel Diener, Sarah Titus, Rowan Diener, and Ava Diener

Mom and Dad with all their grandchildren.

A photo of Margaret and Carl Diener on Christmas morning in Flint, Michigan.

Mom and Dad on Christmas morning.


5 thoughts on “My First Father’s Day without My Father

  1. This is one of the most beautifully written posts I’ve ever seen, and it made me very emotional. My partner is also suffering today as this is his first Father’s Day without his dad, who also passed away after a long battle with cancer.

    I’m very sorry for your loss, and you are in my thoughts…

  2. I know this is 2 years late but I just came across your post by accident. It was a beautiful tribute to your father – obviously he was loved very much. My father also battled multiple myeloma but his fight ended after only six years. He died in 2000 and I think the treatment may have been quite a bit better when your father was receiving it. Any disease is hard on a strong, vital man, but multiple myeloma seems to be even more cruel with the way it causes the body to waste away to nothing. I’m sorry for your loss. I know only too well how tough it is – for the first year after my father’s death I got up every morning and the “news” hit me all over again and sent shock waves through me. My Dad lived to see his 11 grandchildren but unfortunately did not manage to meet any of his 10 (to date) great-grandchildren. They’ll never get to know what a great person he really was and that is the tragedy.

    P.S. I truly do believe that your father waited until you were there before he passed away. I have seen that in so many people now. When my older brother was diagnosed with colon cancer in 1995 my sister in law and their 3 kids begged him to live – their first goal was to have him around for Christmas. He made that goal and then they set his next goal for his birthday on February 16. None of us thought he would make New Years. He had shrunk a good 6-8″, lost probably 60% of his body weight and had jaundice so badly that even his eyeballs and fingernails were yellow. I had to prepare my kids before we visited him at Christmas so they would not be horrified by the sight of him. Somehow he made it to his birthday and they had a great celebration with a cake. He was even able to eat a bite of his cake. Later that day he told his wife that he needed to go to the hospital. He fell into a coma the next day. On March 1 I visited at the hospital and my sister in law was crying. She said “He’s so far gone and it’s so painful to see him this way, why doesn’t he just let go?” I reminded her that she and the kids had spent the better part of a year begging and encouraging him to live, to make it one more week, one more month, one more birthday………..I said to her “You are going to have to tell him that it’s OK to go, that he can stop fighting now, everyone is ready for this”. She went in to his room and spoke to him even though he was in a deep coma. He died within the hour.

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